The OH SHIT Moment

I sit down to meditate. It has been a lot longer than I would have liked, but I’ve cleansed my space with salt, cast a protection circle, lit some incense, and settled in. I don’t have a time limit and my babies are asleep, so I am feeling all right for once. Unrushed. At ease.

I drift into the place in between. The place outside of myself.

I enter my temple. Heels are clicking on stone. I don’t usually wear heels, so I take note of the fact that they are there tonight. Heels are a power bitch move for me, something to make me feel better about myself.  The large structure of white granite and smooth gray flagstones comforts me. It is fully my own. There is a pool that glows, always, a clear, sunshine inspired Caribbean blue in spite of the fact that a clear star studded sky always hovers above. The calm, black ocean laps at the steps leading up to my temple and I sigh with the joy of being alone.

I strip off my long, black dress and enter the pool. I am nude, my long dark hair trailing behind me in the water. I swim around for a moment, something I usually do upon arriving, a cleansing ritual of sorts, though unintentionally so. As I climb out there is a large piece of red silk flung on the grey stones, about the size of a king size bed sheet. Nothing would be more pleasant than to go and roll around on that silk. I walk to the center of it and lay down to stargaze and enjoy the feel of the fabric when it wraps around me pulled as if by a giant hand so that the fabric is above me and I am completely encased. It transforms, until it seems like a flower and a womb. Then it turns to blood and I am splashed, though my arms and legs seem to get the brunt of the blood bath. My face and hair are untouched, as well as my breasts and stomach.

It is incredibly sensual, all of a sudden. Incredibly so. I indulge myself for a few moments with some self touching. I am turned on and I don’t see anyone, but I get a sense of a ravening beast surging up inside of me-a wolf screaming to be let out and it tears around the outside of my temple until I come back to myself. I dive into the water to cleanse myself of the blood. The beast scares me and instinctively I know the water will quell it. It is me, but not something that is usually so visceral. I dive down and I see the blood washing off of myself drifting in pretty ribbons in the water. 

I climb back out of the pool and this  time there are several different colored pieces of the same silk. I decide to step onto a green one and I am on a sunny, grassy hill. It is pleasant, but it doesn’t quite seem real, not like the blood was and as soon as I think that it isn’t real anymore and I find myself back at my temple, covered in blood once again as if I never washed it off.

I get the feeling that I need a fire and I summon a large one. I begin dancing and twirling, spinning wildly around it-joyful and scared.

Angerboda, lady of the Ironwood, and her son Fenris emerge out of the dark from the left side of the fire. She comes to me and kisses me deeply and solidly, licks my face, licks my breasts and laughingly runs her hands through the blood. She paints a rune on my unmarked stomach (I looked it up later it is Tiwaz the one that looks like an arrow pointing up). Then she licks it off, delving lower for a second before she laughingly backs off. Fenris steps up and licks me also, but he only licks the rune and then delves his long tongue lower-again, a tease, bit it slips deeply inside of me. It is as if this exchange of fluid is the most significant part-not the sexuality. I have placed the blood inside of myself with my earlier touching, Angerboda has placed it inside of me, and now he has placed it inside of me.

I get the sense that I should offer refreshments. I give her mead and she laughs at me as I try to hand Fenris a glass. I trade the glass for a bowl. I offer her charred hearts from the flames of the fire and I offer Fenris raw hearts in a bowl. They both eat and nod their thanks.

“Loki is not the only one with lessons to teach. He is not the only one with things to say. YOU NEED to stop focusing so much on him. There is more to this than Loki.” I don’t respond, but I am listening intently. I am not eating and drinking with them.

I am silent and I watch them walk away from me back into a sun dappled wood, her arm draped over Fenris as they depart.

I am left alone in the dark of my temple, naked with the fire and my thoughts.

What the hell just happened?


5 thoughts on “The OH SHIT Moment

  1. Well. When I finally realized that it was Loki shattering me just to rebuild me. He flirted, he comforted and then he yelled humorously “SHE FINALLY FUCKING GETS IT!!!” He still remains a driving force and a Father figure to me. But then he stepped back into the shadows of the firelight. That was when Sigyn introduced Herself. She felt calm. Loving. Then Fenrir. He claimed me. And well you cannot have the Son without the Mother. Angrboda told me to run with her. Now I am waiting Jormangundar, Narvi and Vali’s intro. I get the feeling that they are telling you not to ignore the family. But take the wisdom of the Whole into yourself.

    • Yeah. I don’t think you get more strait forward than this as far as paying attention to the rest of the family, or at least she and Fenrir. I feel like I still don’t get everything, and the rune. The rune is driving me nuts. I’ve been looking up meanings for it-and I some of them indicate that it might be a calling into service for the community, or it could just be that it is Tyr’s rune and there is some sort of underlying meaning I’m not grasping. I have a feeling I’m going to be ruminating on this all for a while. LoL Several people have been helpful at pulling apart some of this stuff with me, but in the end I think I’m just going to have to turn it over in my head for a while.

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