My “It’s All Real” Moment

Names have been changed to protect the moderately innocent.

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“Ew, what did he do to you? Are you okay? Is that a bruise?” I’m concerned like I always am. I spend half my day entertaining my fellow classmates and the rest hating them. Those asshole jocks are the worst. I love my best friend. I love him more than my blood. It isn’t his fault he likes dudes.

“More of the same. Just a few fags here and queers there. Plus threaten to beat me up, but not have the balls to do it,” Jamie gives me his bitter smile and I want to hug him, but we are in school and we have images to maintain. Pretty much the only thing keeping him from being bullied hardcore is our united “fuck you” front. People are scared of him even though he’s …well, really petite. His attitude is ten feet tall and I’ve made it very clear I will fuck someone’s day up on his behalf. Fuck. Them. Up.

“George and his lemmings?” I mutter under my breath as I search through my pockets for a pill. It’s been a long hour and a half of classes already and I am ready to check out of active listening.  I would love to catch a buzz, but I’m not brave enough to smuggle weed to school, so pills it is.

“Yeah,” he sees what I am doing and holds out his hand. I only find one, but shrug and give it to him. He’s had a worse day than I have. We’re a strange conundrum. Me wearing goth/grunge and him in tie-dye. Some days it’s opposite, but we’re an odd mix of free love and go fuck yourself.

“I’m thinking of doing something about that. I think he might actually do something to you soon,” my eyes tear up and I blink them away. Bad things have been happening to gay people lately. I think of Matthew Shepard and my heart squeezes. I wish I had kept that pill for myself now. This shit is too much some days and I didn’t do my physics homework. Again. Who has time for Sine, Cosine, and Tangent when life is such a fucking, horrible minefield? He stops at the water fountain and I stand there glaring at everyone. No one is dumb enough to stop and talk to me today.  The hot blonde guy from my AP classes smiles at me and I flip him off. He scurries away and I sigh.

“Yeah. I get that feeling too. I want a fucking cigarette,” he looks at me hopefully. I shake my head in the negative.

“I’m out. Maybe Dana has one? I haven’t seen her all day though. I think she’s skipping to hang out with her new boyfriend.” I pause to worry about my cousin, but let it go.

“Fuck,” he growls. He’s so adorable I want to squeeze him.

“Want to ditch?” I ask hopefully. Only one more year left. One more gods forsaken year…but, Summer is almost here and the walls are closing in on me. Soon we won’t have to deal with this shit for 3 glorious months. I can work and we can hang out all day when I’m not at work and smoke and drink (if we can steal any booze) and meditate at our ritual spot on the hill near my house. Our sort of boyfriend that we share will build bonfires and we can have all sorts of fun under the stars….I shake myself out of that fantasy when Jamie speaks.

“Nah…better not. I don’t have my car today. Mom’s mad about me not coming home all weekend,” he smiles at me I shake my head fondly. I love him.

All day I worry about my best friend in the world and the homophobic assholes that give him shit at our school. I worry and worry and worry, and finally formulate a plan. Jamie and I are witches. We don’t tell anyone though. I mean, he has enough problems as it is. We keep that part of our lives super double secret. Only for us. I told my Dad too, but he doesn’t care. He thinks it is a phase. Of course, Mama Baron (Jamie’s Mom) thinks his whole not liking girls is a phase too…I see her casting me hopeful looks now and then.

I’ve been a witch for a while now. Okay-I’ve been a witch for about 3 years, but I’m getting good. I can cast circles. I can meditate like a mother fucker. I can raise power. I’ve got spell books. And I have a recently acquired book of less than “white” spells…a grimoire that Jamie and I have taken to referring to as “the evil book” because so many of them give us the heebie-jeebies just to read them. I go home and I read through the book. I find a simple spell-a candle spell for warding and protection. It has definite dark elements, but I don’t care at all. I want my friend safe. I want him safe and sound. I want him alive. I want him to be left the fuck alone.

The next morning I get up 2 hours before I usually do to get ready for school. I strip down to my underwear. I figure, I have to show I’m serious and nothing is more serious than nudity before the Lord and Lady, right? I feel worried about using the spell. It seems so…dark. But I light the candle and I begin to chant. I lose track of time completely and chant for a long time raising power. The candles on my altar glow in the early morning darkness of my room.

“Universe send a way to rid my friend of this threat. Rid my friend of this threat, rid my friend of this threat….” Finally, the power builds to a peak. The energy rides me and I can’t stand it any longer. I let it go. I release it into the universe to work my will and collapse exhausted on the floor. I stare at the clock until I am almost too late to catch the bus. In a blind panic I banish the quarters and release the circle before hopping into my pants and scrambling out of the front door.

A day goes by, and nothing. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I begin to feel like an idiot for thinking I have the ability to effect the universe. I don’t tell Jamie what I’ve done. No need for both of us to be disappointed.

That night I spend a long, sleepless night and finally settle down at 3 in the morning. I’m late in the morning and I sleep on the way to school. When we get to the red brick menace of my teen life I stumble off of the bus with a fuzzy head. I need coffee or Mountain Dew or something. I fumble in my pockets for change and I’m standing pressing angrily on a button that isn’t cooperating on the soda machine when Jamie comes up to me with a smile plastered on his handsome face.

“What happened, did you get laid or something?” I mutter irritated. Fucking pop machine. He kicks the machine for me and I rock it. Finally, a satisfying kerplunk and I have my much needed caffeinated beverage in hand.

“Did you hear?” He says in his irritating, awake voice. I grunt and chug the sweet, caffeinated, bubbly goodness.

“George isn’t here!” He is so excited he bounces in place. I pause and spit some of the soda back into the bottle.

“What do you mean?”

“He got bitten by a brown recluse spider and he’s in the hospital. He might die! Isn’t that awesome?” He chatters on and we head for homeroom together. I’m in a daze. Holy shit. Holy, fucking, shit.

It works.

It works.

It’s all real and it all works.

And I might have killed someone. Admittedly, not someone I would miss, but shit.

As it turns out I didn’t, in fact, kill him, but he curiously didn’t bother my best friend after he returned from the hospital. His buddies really didn’t bother him as much either.

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This is the real story of how I finally realized that I have the ability to utilize a power, and I am responsible for it. I have never done any workings of any kind without the harm none clause since that day. This is the real story of how I figured out that IT IS ALL REAL. The Gods are real, the energy is real, and I am not crazy. Little did I know I would have to learn this lesson a second about the Gods for it to stick. I may work up the courage to write out that story soon. I’m not sure though. It is a bit raw for me.

Only the names have been changed to protect identities.

 

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14 thoughts on “My “It’s All Real” Moment

  1. I’m gonna teach a class on magick and ethics in a couple weeks. I might cite you as an example if you’re okay with that. Don’t worry, I have a comparable story of my own to share with the class too.

  2. Holy shit is right! What blows my mind is that this is a true story! Well I had some unwelcome psychic intruders and I made a witch bottle and warded my house. I onlyboccasionally have a bleedthrough but mostly they’re gone. This stuff is serious.

    • Indeed.

      Here’s something to try for the “Bleed through”. This is an adaptation of something I read in the Psychic Vampire Codex-Make a web around your home-for me I think of a spider web-that entangles any energies you don’t want to break through. If you don’t have a need to ward your entire home, if it is just you there, then you might just do it around yourself. You have to cleanse it occasionally. For myself personally, I just visualize my me-sized web getting washed to sparkly shininess with the rest of me when I take a shower and the one around my home getting shiny clean when it rains. You have to tune the web for capturing certain emotions or entities when you make it. For example, you don’t want to make a web that captures ALL ambient energies or emotions coming your way or you won’t get any of the good ones either. I just tune my web to keep out negative vibes and such.

      • Thanks for the advice. I’m already grounding, centering and shielding, but I’ll visualize this too. It really helps to think of the images of all the unwanted astral entities that have come to me in the past and zapping them on the threads. The main thing I want to learn is control.

      • I layer this around my other personal and home wards. That has never been a problem for me. I don’t use it to replace my other wards.

  3. Don’t beat yourself up if it is taking a while for you to develop visualization techniques or anything else. It’s a journey. You’ll get it all eventually.

    • Speaking of visualization, how do you develop the clarity to be able to tell what’s real vs.what’s coming from your own mind, subconscious especially? I’m talking dream and trance states both. When I’m awake even sometimes I think I see Loki projecting HImself in my head but I also think about His image a lot, so it’s hard to tell. Of course, I feel His energy and can tell the difference between that and other energies, so I try not to rely on vision(outside or inside) alone.

      • I have to think about this a bit. Sorry. I’m not sure I have a great answer for this right this second. I know other people talk about discernment a lot, but …they don’t really talk about HOW to be discerning.

      • No hurry. Where’s the biggest problem is the hypnogognic/pompic state as you’re waking up and you feel something happening to you, you hear Loki’s voice, feel His presence…but then you open your eyes, and you don’t see Loki but an image that could be a hallucination from your own mind, or it could be Him messing with you, or some other entity masquerading as Him.

  4. I can answer part of this right now: Sleeping. I ward my sleeping area like no other. I have layers upon layers of warding there. NO ONE is there without invitation, so if I see him when I am waking there is an eensy possibility it could be my brain futzing with me, but most likely it is He. If you are worried about someone else Masquerading as him I suggesting more warding. Seriously. Do it till it feels like overkill, then sage the fuck out of the area and burn some Frankincense for a few days. Invasions are wholly unacceptable on my turf.

    • I’ll follow your advice to the letter! Layers of protection, that’s what I need. Don’t get my wrong, Loki HAS gotten through many times but there are also “hitchikers”, and other nasties who love to mess with me. I’ve got not only the witch bottle, but bay leaf and dill hanging on the door, and I need to get some rusty nails for the witch bottle. Someone also told me to get a horseshoe and hang it over my bedroom door. That’s what I have the most problems, and need the most protection. It seems like when you get involved with the Gods, it perks the ears up of many other lower spirits and psychics with bad intentions. I do a grounding with a candle flame every night where I concentrate on both Loki’s and my energy before centering and shielding. Thank you for knowing what the hell you’re doing.

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