I’m getting older. It’s inevitable. Time marches on and all that jazz. I’ve always wanted to age naturally. Since I was quite young I’ve had an image in my head of myself becoming a wizened, regal old crone who can still have a good time. In my head I always saw a woman (my best self, really) with long silver hair and a crooked smile going about her day with zero fucks to give and a smile for everyone.
The reality is I’ve been finding everything wrong with my body. Every tiny thing. Blemish on my face? It’s small. No one else notices, but it wasn’t there 5 years ago. Varicose veins? Thanks pregnancy. Gained five pounds? I’m a terrible person. Lost 5 pounds? It’s not nearly enough, so I can’t feel good about it. I don’t feel good about myself therefore I’m not always the most pleasant person to be around.
I was listing my faults to my husband-a patently unsexy thing to do if you’re a woman and not aware. Guys will gloss over a lot of flaws in their minds if you don’t drag their attention to them, but anyway I was on a roll. Really laying on the self-hate. And I get this from Lord Loki:
“Shut the fuck up. Either fix it or carry it with fucking dignity. I’m done with this shit.”
I stopped whining to my husband and retreated on all fronts. I had never gotten Loki’s “bitch face” before, but it seems hating on myself is what will do it. I wasn’t going to share this, but for anyone else that tends to be a type A personality in the real world I thought this might be something worth telling. And honestly, I really do feel better about the problems I can change now and I’ve been working on (getting back to a healthy, pre-baby weight…It’s been years at this point.) and the things I really can’t “work on” (varicose veins), but I may be able to do something about medically at some point if I ever get health insurance again. I already knew all of my harping on my worst qualities was at best unattractive, but I was really putting myself into a funk over everything too, and Himself doesn’t enjoy that at all especially since I’m one of His.
I think we all have those flaws and faults we stare at in the mirror as we age, but I’m not going to look like a baby faced twenty-something forever, and I thought I was fine with that. Now I’m really working towards being fine with it. Something like this may seem topical, but in our society where so much is based on looks and youth is a cult worship I think it is especially hard to attain a graceful cronehood. I’m sure the people who know me in the now are laughing their asses off. I’m not “old”, but I’m certainly past the point in my life where I’m considered truly young. I thought I’d already had my quarter life crisis, but I guess it popped back up for round two. Maybe I’m just going to live to be 120?
Sometimes I forget that having a friend means They love you, and having a Friend who can hear all of your mental garbage means digging deep and really shoveling all the shit off the ledge and out of your mind. I think mental discipline is an overlooked aspect of Spirit Work, potentially, or I just haven’t read/heard as much about it as it is utilized.