I’ve been dreading writing this post, so I figured it was about time to get down to it.
When Loki first tapped me on the head, did the “big reveal” so to speak, I’d been “daydreaming” a precursor to much of my actual writing, about a fanfic I was considering putting together for Marvel!Loki. I hadn’t considered much that by constantly thinking about, talking out loud to, and actually burning incense for Him a few times I might be invoking a very real, very strong, very old, (strangely familiar) presence, but I did.
At first it was little things…my story absolutely refused to go down the trail I wanted it to. I fought with Loki and fought with Him until one day when we were in the apartment I constructed in my mind (It was very real by this point. I even knew what the curtains looked like and where to find the spoons.) he pulled a dainty espresso mug from somewhere and placed it just so in front of Himself, sat down across from me and looked directly at me (in case you haven’t ever had this happen to you in your own mind, it is kind of frightening) and we had a chat. We had a chat about several things that day, and then I brought myself out of my daydream/meditation and had a very quiet, very thorough break down.
Was I going crazy?
Maybe. Probably not, but maybe. I wasn’t actually hearing voices or anything of that nature, but what just happened to me seemed so real.
Overactive imagination. I totally wrote it off. Yes, that is how I chose to handle things. Ignore them completely.
Very adult of me, I thought as I went about my day. Now, I wasn’t a novice magick worker at this point, nor was I a novice at interacting with the things that go bump in the night, but sometimes strange things are simply too strange.
The next day I went back to my “daydream/meditation” because why wouldn’t I? I’m working on a story. I pretty much convinced myself that the day before was a fluke and wouldn’t happen again. And it didn’t, not exactly, but my story still went where it wanted and not where I wanted. And why was that? Loki refused to do what I wanted. He was, instead of pairing up with the lead I wanted him to pair up with, looking for someone Queenly and Kind, and then he told Thor he wanted to ask me to dance, but I he was afraid I wouldn’t want to.
…I came out of that meditation, after some direct eye contact.
Two days in a row. Twice isn’t a fluke exactly, and when I came out of meditation I wasn’t alone. I had a definite presence in the room with me.
At this point I freaked out and started looking online for anyone who could help me. I don’t remember exactly what I searched, but that initial panic lead me to the term “godspouse” and “godspousery” and some very nice people who helped to reassure me I probably wasn’t having a schizophrenic break. …you know, probably, because they don’t really know me.
It took about a week of me mulling everything over and talking here and there with Loki to realize that he WAS in fact a God and that He was in fact “talking” to me.
Then, I jumped into the pool with both feet. The deep end. With my clothes on.
In my newly informed excitement I wanted to open a deeper connection to Himself (the ignorance that surrounded this undertaking shocks me today). So, I ripped open a hole in my energy and invited Loki in. I didn’t bother to ask if that is something he wanted at this point, and He later informed me it wasn’t something He even needed. I ripped the hole open and left it open after several hours of chanting/working/calling and basically tossing out all kinds of shiny things to local predators. Nothing happened. No miraculous possession from Loki took place, and I basically forgot about it for a few hours, chalked it up to “those things don’t actually happen, or if they do they certainly don’t happen to me” and then went about my night. At some point in the evening my husband came home from work (he’s also an energy worker, amongst other things). We started tossing around energy, playing with energy, as we sometimes do to gear up for meditation/energy work/whatever and then Loki showed up. He sat with us for a while and allowed me to borrow some of his energy. At some point I got tired and wanted to go to bed and my husband wasn’t, so I told him goodnight, kissed him on the cheek, and went into the bedroom. I’d no sooner closed the door than something sank into me, right into that hole I’d left wide open and never closed. My body felt like it was crawling with snakes and snake energy. I had a vision where a gray, winged hag looked right at me and swooped toward me in front of a backdrop of red mountain rock. She had long hair and she looked pissed off. It scared me enough to jolt me out of the vision and I stumbled and crawled to my husband.
At first he laughed and said, “You’re covered in snakes. How are you doing that?” Then the look on my face must have registered and he realized I didn’t want it to be going on.
“Ask Loki to help!” My husband cried in his panic. Loki shrugged. Literally. Shrugged. I’d done this to myself, and He either couldn’t or wouldn’t help-maybe to teach me a lesson? Maybe He actually couldn’t? I don’t know.
I sat down on the floor and I forced whatever/whomever it was inside of me out and my husband held his hand over my heart, where I’d ripped open a hole, and pressed his own energy into it to try to heal it. I was shaking in his arms. I was freezing. I couldn’t warm up. He helped me to bed where I passed out exhausted.
The next day I woke up to an entirely new reality. A reality I wasn’t prepared for, didn’t want, and made me feel afraid of everything. For the next week I felt extremely paranoid, keyed up, and frightened to be alone. It was horrifying. I now realize looking back that I was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I had suffered an attack, through my own stupidity, that left me reeling. There was suddenly a new reality of invisible danger. Not that I hadn’t interacting with scary things over the years or been frightened, but this was different. This was a whole new level of play for me that I wasn’t ready for.
I spent the next week terrified to be alone in the house. The hours when my husband had to leave and go to work were interminable. Even when he was home I didn’t really feel safe until I was wrapped in his arms hiding in his energy signature. I felt like I was being trailed around all of the time. I probably was because I’d proven to be such a tasty and interesting treat to something lurking in my area. My bedroom was the heaviest warded place in my house, and I found myself not wanting to leave it in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom because it was outside my heavy ward line, which doesn’t particularly make sense since my first experience also happened in my bedroom, but that is how I felt. When I found myself pissing in a cup to not have to go to the bathroom (Yes, I did that.) I realized I needed to get my act together, and fast. I was falling apart, shaken to the core.
After that first week spent quaking in my shoes with Loki casting “love and worry for me” in my direction, but not being particularly helpful otherwise, I started mending. The energy left over from whatever the hell had been in me for a few minutes was vile. I worried it was still there, lurking somewhere and would do something horrible to me or my husband or children. I started scaring myself and doing more damage to my own wellbeing than the actual possession did. I dreamed up all sorts of horrific scenarios before I realized I was driving MYSELF closer to nuts than I was to start with and started taking my thoughts in hand. I started using a combo of “boxing” (taking my bad thoughts, putting them in a box, and getting rid of them in my mind) and using holy light to block them out when I had them. Sometimes I would have to do this several times, but usually it worked. I started working on my warding, personal and otherwise. I started getting my shit together. I started building up my defenses. I went from almost nothing defense wise to overkill, but I think I needed that to start healing in my mind and energetically.
This experience had also awakened my already keen energy senses. I now could feel everything flitting through my living space that registered on the “other” scale and that in and of itself was also scary. Thankfully, for my own sanity, some of this keen sense has worn off. I’m sure some folks would have mourned the loss of it, but in my day to day life It wasn’t useful. It was distracting.
Then, I started to get energy back up from the warding. I was warding, warding, warding, and not grounding at all. I started to feel very detached and light headed all of the time. I was very “airy”. I had energy overload. After a few conversations with some people in the “know” I started grounding regularly, and that brought me back closer to reality and my old self.
However, my reality had permanently changed. Loki didn’t leave.
During this time I was terrified of Him because of the stupid shit I had done. So, I started trying to block Him out. Drive Him off by ignoring Him.
In case you don’t know Loki very well, let me tell you He is not mortal. Time doesn’t work the same way for Him. He has time to wait shit out. He started following me around EVERYWHERE and when I locked down further, making myself willfully headblind to Him, He started bugging my extremely sensitive Husband. It got to the point that my Husband would leave the room when I came into it because Loki immediately started demanding he tell me to stop blocking Him out. Stop. Doing. That. Irritating. Blocking. Thing.
I decided to try to assuage Him by offering Him some whisky, but I didn’t stop blocking Him out even when I was doing that.
He broke the offering glass.
I continued ignoring Him and my husband got more and more irritated at the situation.
After about a MONTH of this I was more myself. I calmed down a bit and decided if He wanted to talk to me so damned bad I would talk to Him. I meditated with Loki. A whole new world opened up to me.
It took a long time for the hole I ripped in my energy to heal and for me to feel wholly myself again, even with daily attention to it. I still do daily centering and warding on my person. I still have fear from time to time because of the hijacker I took on instead of Loki, but I’ve worked through it, obviously, to the point that I’ve continued on with my devotional work and built on my initial relationship with Himself.
I am still scared shitless to do any possessory work. I don’t want to, and Loki hasn’t asked me to.
There is a lesson in this for others, so I’ve decided to stop being embarrassed that I was stupid and talk about it. I’ve read stories of other people, heady with the rush of figuring out that gee, the Gods really are real and their own, individual, beings, (I don’t know why this is so much of a thing in retrospect, but everything makes more sense in hindsight) doing shit they weren’t prepared for and getting zapped. Read my story. Don’t do stupid stuff. Don’t get zapped. Don’t do this kind of work without support personal, hopefully experienced support personal.
The lesson is that the Gods won’t always help you. The lesson is look before you leap. The lesson is leaping can lead you to love and fulfillment, but getting to that love isn’t always painless.
In a way I feel like maybe Loki didn’t help me so I wouldn’t do something so idiotic without any support in the future. I’m not really sure. I’ve never determined whom/what my hijacker was.