I don’t do balance well. Balance to me is leading one of those serene lives where you do everything in its own time and still have the time and energy for family and friends.
I don’t do that well.
I lose myself in projects. LOST. I’m very all or nothing. I bow out of my life when I get sucked into a project. Me? Stage left. Gone. I’ll be nothing other than my project for months at a time.
And Himself hasn’t helped on this front-at least not my stress about it-because now I feel like I’m splitting my time three ways-Projects, Family, Himself (who also falls under projects and family in some ways, but still for clarification I think this works).
This lack of the ability to balance is such a large problem for me that at one point I envisioned my life thusly: Me-alone- working, working, working on my projects-academia, research, writing-with no one else, not even family, and maybe the occasional one night stand for some stress relief. My life didn’t take that path though, and now I struggle.
My single mindedness is a double edged sword. It has let me get a lot done in a very short amount of time on more than one occasion, but it has also cost me. Friendships. I’ve lost more than one friend because I simply couldn’t make myself give them time. Relationships-ditto. I’ve lost a few people I loved a lot, but didn’t love enough to give them what they needed. I missed my brother’s wedding because I was busy working on something. I can’t even remember what it was now, but nothing else seemed important at the time.
I’m going to ask Loki to help me with this in some way. That’s kind of a frightening prospect. I never know what His version of helping will be, and usually it isn’t something I would have even thought about before hand. Change is hard. Change is scary sometimes.
Before I ask Him formally, not that He hasn’t tried to get me to do some version of this before, I’m going to try to chant more. I’m going to try to sit and meditate more. He’s tried to get me to unwind before, but every time I manage to I crank the heat up on myself twice as hard afterwards because I’ve “lost time”. I haven’t been good enough. I haven’t been trying hard enough. Three things I don’t do well: vacations, down time, and compliments. The reason for all three is rooted in some very unhappy thoughts I am always contending with. I feel like I don’t deserve them, when it gets right down to it, because I haven’t done enough or done enough well to deserve them. And gods help anyone who tells me I am attractive. A wet blanket of mortification smothers what should be a good feeling for me. The pleasure starts to bloom, and then a small voice, sometimes one I can barely hear, picks apart the compliment.
Maybe some of this is part of a fear of Love?
I don’t really know.
So-how do I convince myself I am worth things that another person might just assume as a personal right? Why do I feel that way to begin with? Why can’t I find a happy medium for all of the things I am trying to accomplish?
I don’t know. Shadow work is in order, I suppose, and Mercury Retrograde is a fine time to do it.
And when I ask Loki to help me He’s either going to make me shit can that fear or He’s going to make me walk with it. Or some other third option I haven’t thought about.
Well, here’s to attempting Balance.