It’s gnosis Thursday. Today, The Gods have decided to explode my mind with brand new ideas of how they may be connected. Anyone else have this happen randomly and periodically?
Our religious books, our historical gold, are interpretations by people. Heathen or Christian, you’re relying on works of man to instruct your understanding of the Divine if all you do is book work. How seriously can I take the books then when all I need to do to touch the Divine is open my mind to wonder?
That being said, I’ve started to make good inroads to the Poetic Edda, and I’m always particularly amused when I read the Lokasenna.
This post had a lot of starts and stops and redactions and additions. I didn’t post it the first or second day or even fifth week I thought about it. It’s UPG heavy and deals extensively with personal issues (in case you’d rather skip it.) The reason I decided to post is because it does deal with spirit work, astral work, and other energy issues.
Here it is.
As I write I’m having a guy day. I woke up and was passively irritated to see breasts in the bathroom mirror (even though they’re fun…I mean, breasts in general. Who doesn’t like them?). Clothing my curves in the most masculine garments available in my wardrobe (baggy jeans and a long sleeved tee in gray with a sports logo across the front) I’m still not happy with the results. I’m not sure what spurs days like this when I’m so completely sure I shouldn’t be a woman, but on them I feel both closer and further from Himself.
I’m half convinced these days mean I’ve been up to a great deal in the astral instead of dreaming restful dreams. There, I am a man about seven eighths of the time. Himself doesn’t care what I look like-He’s still strong by my side, but there is a definite duality in my core that He, above all, seems to understand or at least be in tune with.
Then my question to myself becomes am I this way because I remember bits and pieces of past lives? Am I really a male in spirit, or at least part of it? Or is my spiritual self ungendered and fluid? All of the past life memories I seem to readily access are all soldiering memories and one as a hand slave in Egypt to a Priestess. My “memories” ring with metal on metal and masculine voices and the warmth in my gut from camaraderie and strong drink. There is one I remember where I was fully female and humorously enough (in that ironic way the universe seems to think is funny) it is one where I walked with Loki at my side. We travelled together as ambassadors of sorts. We were as close as two beings could be then, but I met my husband and ended up leaving to go on misadventures with him that led me here to this realm and time.
I do wake up some days feeling the epitome of an Earth Mother. On those days I rock my personal goddess vibe and dress in light feminine clothing that suits my figure and coloring, but those days are fewer and fewer between as I spend more time on the astral than I used to.
It wouldn’t be a problem at all, this desire to gender swap at will, but I find myself attracted to my spouse in a wholly different way during these dude days. I’m attracted to him the way a man would be and want to do things to him I’m not currently physically equipped to do. (And he’s expressly told me he’s not up to unless I get him drunk first and THAT squicks me as too close, far…far…far…too close to nonconsensual for me to indulge.)
So, the astral is effecting my mundane life in a way I never-ever-would have anticipated. On these days I roll with my phantom manhood and indulge my guy tendencies and ogle cute guys (‘cause yeah-I’ve always had that going for me, even in the past lives where I WAS a dude) and just-wait. I waite to cycle through this dual nature of mine until I’m back to something more acceptable to those who love me in my mundane life, which feels wrong somehow, but I don’t want to hurt any feelings. I almost feel like I need an entirely different life I can walk into on these days with a twinky, submissive boyfriend an X-box or a girlfriend ~I do swing both ways even if I tend toward men~ OR BOTH…but, I’m not essentially a different person, really. My interests are still my interests, I just find myself coming at them from a different angle.
A guy place.
Most people don’t get to live two lives though. I have one and I’m lucky to be manifested in this time and place with the people I do love.
I’m working on how to pull the strands of me together and have the duality be more a part of my core personality and less of a split.
But, that’s work, and right now I want to read Jurassic Park for the millionth time or delve into my man on man erotica stash. Instead I’m going to watch my children and try to be moderately close to normal for my spouse.
To read these words back over my discomfiture seems small when compared to world hunger and war and terminal illness and any other number of misfortunes. I’m healthy and not destitute. I’m educated. But, fuck, it’s hard to ever really be completely happy when something fundamental is off kilter inside myself. So, I’m going to hunker down and wait for long winter nights and cold days of contemplation to perhaps bring me back an appreciation for the body that I walk around in, or some sort of inspiration for being happy with the disparity.
A great read.
“Let us go, my Beloved, to greet the Bride
The Queen’s Whole Self shall we welcome”
— From L’kha Dodi, the Jewish Evening Sabbath service.
The term “god-spouse” always seems to carry with it a discussion.
“Can a person really be married to a deity?”
“Are they claiming equality to that divinity, and are they really any closer to them than the rest of us?”
“If someone claims to be a god spouse, I expect them to be exceptionally devoted.”
“I can’t imagine that they gods pick and choose favorites.”
While most of the discussion that non-god-spouses seem to have about the phenomenon focuses on the idea of legitimacy, I have an entirely different question to ask. What does it mean? Why have the gods chosen to do this?
Why am I even exploring this issue? My apologies to all the various and sundry god-spouses out there. You fascinate…
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A friend’s brother committed suicide last night. I believe in our right to choose our own destiny, yet I automatically recoiled from the thought of ever doing such a thing myself.
Why wouldn’t I commit suicide even though that, my friends, is arguably the most control one could have of the end of this life span? Well, I guess, because I like me (to be completely narcissistic about things) to start. I like my family and friends. So, there’s that, but also, I’ve put so much WORK into this life, and as someone who believes in reincarnation I can’t imagine the monumental pain in the ass it would be to start over again so soon. This may sound like I’m making light of a tragedy, but I’m serious here. I don’t want to have to learn to tie my shoes again. That took me forever to get down. Assuming I even reincarnate in a time period where clothing is what it is today.
I don’t trust that fickle bitch time not to drop me back a few centuries and I like toilet paper, thanks much. And antibiotics, at least when they’re necessary.
Another thing? I think Loki would be pissed off and disappointed with me if I were to up and disappear on Him at this point. I don’t think He has an easy time keeping track of people once they go where they go to wait to reincarnate or go somewhere else-I mean, I think he CAN-but, it would be a huge pain in the ass for Him and He likes to know where His people are. I’m not egotistical enough to believe that I’m a hinge point in his cosmic plans, or anything like that, but He cares about me and it’s not nice to disappear on the people who care about you, Gods and men alike.
So, I could never do it. I would feel too guilty to commit suicide. How’s that for a spot of neurosis?
I think when we die there’s a sort of natural order we’re following if it comes about at its appointed time in its own natural way. I don’t know that it’s in anyone’s Wyrd to commit suicide, but then again, what do I know about anything? Suicide seems unnatural, abrupt, especially when one is at the height of life and health. Perhaps it is something different if a you’re going to die anyway, have a terminal illness.
I also think suicide splinters something in the soul, yanking one lifetime out by the roots leaves a hole we will have to deal with the next time around. We’ll have to heal the hurt we’ve caused ourselves if we commit suicide. We always have to heal our traumas and pain with or without the help of the Gods, so by committing suicide we’re making the next lifetime harder too.
I understand people don’t cut their life short because they’re happy. They do it because they’re in pain. They need help. They need healing here and now. My hope is that anyone who is in need of healing would get it now and not have to deal with it again the next time their wheel turns.
If you or anyone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone about it.
I had a hard conversation with a Christian friend this morning. He’s suffering a dark night of the soul, losing his faith, not seeing the point to religion at all…something most of us have gone through. This conversation helped me come to an important realization.
Being a polytheist is more about being at ease with paradox than anything else. I believe there is a unifying divine energy in the universe and multitudes of Gods and I don’t have to make that mesh for both to be so. I can believe in archetypes and the Gods all at the same time without it being a problem. (Though I do have a theory there.)
We don’t struggle with the question of why a “good god” would let “bad things” happen quite the same way as Christians do, mainly because we don’t believe our Gods are infallible or omniscient. What we see as justice or injustice isn’t much the point when it comes to working with Wyrd. Being a polytheist is about being able to say, “I don’t know all of the answers,” without being swamped by anxiety, loving your Beloved Gods, and getting on with the basics of living.