Dr. Loki Redux

For those of you who have followed this blog for some time you may remember that Loki Himself donned a white coat and tried to play doctor with me a while back, and not in that fun way. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that caffeine was killing me. To stop drinking coffee.

Now, there is little I wouldn’t do because He told me-I picked up and moved my entire family because He basically said it was TIME and it has worked out for us, thankfully, but …my coffee?

I tried. I stopped drinking it for about a month and felt better, but then I started working hectic hours and sleeping minimal hours and the Coffee Dragon crept back into my day.

Oh, sweet dark nectar.

All the while getting the frowny face from Loki, but He mostly ignored it after telling me about it other than a few pokes here and there.

Now, my doctor has told me it’s sending my blood pressure way, way too high because, guess what, caffeine is a drug. It’s not sending me into Strokesville, but over time it will do not great things to me.

Yeah.

Yeah, always listen to Dr. Loki.

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Beach Meditations: Jormungandr

I woke up this morning with the idea of going to the beach to meditate thrumming in my head, and that was quickly followed by the thought-“and leave an offering for Jormungandr”. So, I woke up and went through my morning routine quickly-I woke up a full half hour before my alarm went off as well-and that’s what I did. The sun was glinting on tossing water and the sand was dimpled and soft from the rains last night. The air was so clean my nose twitched and the energy of the lake washed over me the second my foot hit the ground.

Walking out, I lit my incense and found a spot for it, and then I walked, looking out over the water and slipped into a small meditation. The first thing I realized as I walked is why Loki and Jormungandr’s energies sing so much alike to me, or at least part of why. They both hold sway over “in between places”. I grounded on the shoreline, letting my energy stretch out and around the shore, and with Lake Erie that is a vast, vast area, and felt that special kinship with Loki that grounding to in between places brings for me. While I did that the image of the World Serpent, curled lovingly around our realm hit me. Jormungandr is also a deity of in between places. He is an in between place if you follow the lore. I believe he has an intrinsic understanding of the boundaries between the realms and boundaries between time and place. He has a very, thorough understanding of the basic building blocks of the universe as a result and I believe has the ability to understand and possibly effect most of what reality is built on.

Jor is very much an aquatic deity to me-loving and living in the water for a lot of His existence and a lot of His life-depending on how literally one wants to take the lore. I believe the lore is both literal and figurative. Jor certainly isn’t anchored in one place like the tales of Atlas, at least not in spirit. I’ve spoken before about my astral temple, and how it is an island in a/the Primordial Ocean. Usually there are starry skies over my temple, never changing, but I’ve been forced into daylight often enough when Jormungandr is near, and seen him in the distance, massive body curling out of the ocean while seagulls call. So, if I had to say of which element does Jor most associate I would have to say Water, but that is just from me, and something I would choose to use as a magical association for purposes of spell work. I don’t know what the other “authorities” on the subject might think.

In contrast to my certainty that Jor isn’t tied to His body holding the boundary between the realms I’ve had some insight into why He is the way He is as far as the way He feels about life. He’s very focused on reality and dealing with problems expediently and not, as I said before, what I would term overly romantic. He’s a realist on almost every level. His body, massive, larger than the oldest tree, protects and encircles some area of the realms-whether it is exactly as we have been told in lore or not I hesitate to guess-and it is under constant assault, from beings who would like to get through to roam, and even just from animals and such. He’s gnawed at and constantly healing. He’s battered and constantly repairing. He’s constantly in pain, and He’s learned to throw it off and ignore it. Pain is a part of life and we move on in spite of it. He’s not one for lingering and wallowing in pain because pain is His constant companion in His serpentine body. Is or was. I can’t tell if He’s still performing this duty, though He might be on one level, but obviously isn’t tied to that body any longer.
Time and reality are shifty things to pin down sometimes, especially when dealing with the spirit realm and deities.

After my ruminations this morning, as I was walking along the beach before I left to go to work, I found three pieces of clear and white beach glass. I’ve never found any before, in spite of searching for many years, and so, I thank you Jormungandr for the gifts.

Hail to the World Serpent!

Almost Crazy

I’ve been thinking of all of the times I almost went crazy today. All of the times I almost irretrievably fucked up my life. There are more than I would like. I can sift through them, a mountain of poor choices in my mind. Everything from crossing into the crosshairs of law enforcement to unsafe sex and poor relationship choices. I crammed a lot of living into my younger days, the teen years, careening from one bad choice to the next ratcheting the potential fall out higher and higher on the list of life long consequences.

Somehow, none of this falling apart ever screwed me over. Not in any meaningful way.

I could be dead.

I’m not.

I might say I’m lucky, and I am. I’ve always had that push of something keeping me safe in spite of me trying to tear the world apart, but luck? Luck or Loki?

Hmmm…..

He says He’s been hanging around longer than I realize, and I’m inclined to believe that He probably has been the more I pick back over my life re-evaluating it.

When I was about 12 my life started sliding apart in my mind. Nothing seemed right. This wasn’t a result of puberty, at least I don’t think so, because I’d actually been an extremely early bloomer and started getting most of my secondary sex characteristics and all the wonderful hormone spikes at 10. My life felt like it wasn’t mine anymore. Whatever solidness I’d managed to carve out of the upheaval of my existence before my twelfth year disintegrated.

I decided maybe my problem wasn’t me, so much as I couldn’t stand the place where I was. The life I was stuck in, and I assure you I felt very stuck. I thought things would never change and never get better. Every second seemed like a minute, and every minute a year. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I wanted to get gone. So, one night at about 3 in the morning, I stole a car, deciding to go all Kerouac and leave. I wanted to get the fuck out of my own life. At the age of 12. That didn’t seem at all unreasonable at the time.

It was a spectacular fail. I got a fair bit away from my home before a police car flashed me (I’d never driven a car before, so who knows what I was doing. Maybe driving with my high beams on?) and in my desire to just never, ever go back I decided to run, knowing full well it was a reckless choice. I led the police officer on a merry chase, hands sweating on the wheel, the car silent with the exception of my heavy breathing in the dark, cool spring air hitting my face from the rolled down window. We went from main roads to back roads I’d travelled my entire life where I hoped to lose the police officer, failing to realize that he’d grown up there and knew them better than I did. It all came to an end when a deer jumped out in front of me on a winding back road in the foothills of the Appalachians. The car was hanging over the edge of a large drop that it did NOT tumble over, somehow. And I remember after spinning out (and missing the deer) I was feeling safe and warm there, hanging almost at my death nestled between bowed out pieces of guard rail. Protected. I rolled around in that feeling in my head, adrenaline shooting through my system, hands bouncing on the steering wheel while I watched and waited for the cop to come up to me, gun drawn.

Cop: “Driver’s license and registration?” Gun in my face.

I’ll never forget it. I laughed and laughed and the cop started to smirk too before he put his gun away, realizing I was a child-person, and took me out of the car. This was a young, small town cop and he didn’t cuff me. He didn’t pat me down and he later got into trouble when they found my pocket knife in the back of his cruiser. I didn’t notice it fall out of my pocket. We waited for another cop to hit the scene before he took me to the tiny police station in town where I refused to tell them my name for a few hours, just hoping to be sent anywhere but home. I wanted something new. Anything, even something bad.

I ended up spending time working at the police station for my public service portion of my punishment where I learned such helpful things as how to disassemble parking meters using only a screw driver and other such things from the cops who took me under their wing. I also spent an entire summer re-evaluating what I wanted my life to be someday and my future self to be and it was NOT the people and things I saw around me.

I think a lot of things-mundane and otherwise converged on me at this point in my life and I went kinda nuts with it, and then after that summer things just started sliding into place for me. I don’t know if it was good that it happened to me so young because-went kinda nuts, had no center to hold onto, had no spiritual practice, was throwing myself hard against the walls of Christianity, had very little familial support, had no friends who got what was happening to me-just my life was FLAIL. Flail. And then suddenly- it wasn’t. I found witchcraft and focused in on Athena of all Goddesses and my course swung drastically to the left. I started learning to deal with the “otherness” in my life instead of being scared every day.

Just one of the times my life almost went wrong and I’m fairly sure Himself had a hand in righting it and keeping me safe and alive.

Jotnar Blood

I’ve been reading Raven Kaldera’s Jotunbok. It’s well worth tracking down the book to read it. The bulk of the book is Kaldera’s UPG and the UPG of others working with the Jotunar, so as always when reading about the work of others with the spirits it is necessary to digest everything with a grain of salt and-for me at least- slowly so I can evaluate it all. The biggest danger in reading a book that is heavily UPG is that the information just becomes THE information you have on the subject, but it strikes me as well thought out and well researched in most of the ways that count. I wish I had a better background in the lore before I’d started reading it because I’m finding myself wanting to research about a million different things because I’m not sure if some of it is UPG or actual lore.

I will admit I haven’t been reading the book through properly. Like any book that includes a chapter about Himself I started there and then jumped around. I will probably make more than one post about the book because there is a lot to think about there. The most intriguing idea I’ve come across so far is one that Kaldera puts forth about the reason the Gods and Loki and His family in particular have been contacting what seems to be a large amount of unprecedented people is because there is more “Jotnar blood” in the world and they’re seeking out those with it. Now, hang with me, because when I first read the words “Jotnar bloodline” the words SCIENCE flashed across my brain in neon letters. Yeah, this isn’t necessarily something that is disregarding science. The whole idea is that at the human’s conception a spirit-in this case a Jotnar spirit- is possessing one of the humans involved either with their knowledge or not to varying degrees and their energy changes the energy of the new life being formed at the conception. It squicks me a bit if a person doesn’t know it is happening, mostly because it seems a bit too close to rape, but it seems like something that could happen.

Kaldera talks about this new, resulting energy infusion or influx or change as “the jotnar bloodline”, but to me it really seems more like being soul touched or soul kissed with new and more energy, and like anything else it isn’t always a good thing. It can imbue the person it happens to with all of the good and bad sides of the Jotnar energy and depending on how involved the spirit was at the conception (full possession or just riding one of the parents a bit) that is how much of the spirit energy mixes into the new human. I found this wildly intriguing and not at all outside the bounds of possibility with what I know from energy work. So many things can effect a life when they’re crossing over to be reborn that believing this could happen is barely even a tiny hurdle for me. Many people claim to be soul touched or have had their soul transformed in a variety of ways with many different energies. I’ve heard of people who believe they have angelic energies and people who’ve had their souls modified in various ways during astral travels. The soul, our spirit selves, are all energy, and energy can be transformed and manipulated far more easily than our physical bodies-at least into a new state. It is far easier to destroy the physical body than transform it.

Of course, I have this tendency, the one that makes it completely impossible for me to be a doctor of any variety, that had me looking for the Jotnar traits in myself and my family that Kaldera went on to list after this discussion about bloodlines. Hot blooded? Yes. My Mother, Grandfather, Brother and I all share major rage issues. My Grandfather, Brother and I are all magically inclined, my Grandfather having been the local dowser in our small backwater town. The list went on and I could find other similarities, so immediately my mind grappled with, “DO I HAVE JOTNAR BLOOD?”. Then I slowed down and laughed at myself. Whatever I am, and I don’t believe my soul to be human, really, I’m not a Jotun. It just doesn’t feel right for me. When I think about it all it isn’t something that rings true even though, yes my family is “weird”. I ran through the list of things that can make someone part of “the bloodline” of etins and there were some huge similarities, but in the end …I don’t know.

Part of the reason I put so much thought into it is because so much of what some of the people had to say about Himself in this book made sense with my own UPG. I know for quite some while I travelled with Loki while he was doing “errands”, often something ambassador like, outside of Asgard, most likely at Odin’s behest. I travelled with him for a great while and very, very occasionally we stayed in Asgard on return trips, but usually not. That begs the question of where we DID stay, but I don’t have many memories of that. Most of my memories are of the fun “on the road” variety. A lot of people talked about how Loki didn’t spend much time inside of Asgard for various reasons, so this jived for me. My husband and I share UPG of meeting in Asgard on one of these rare occasions, and then I left Loki’s party and stayed with my Husband, going with him and his kindred when they left after our first meeting. With my own UPG it actually makes sense that I could have a Jotun spirit-why would I have been travelling with him otherwise?-but, again, it doesn’t feel right. I feel like my soul is more non-sentient universal building block material and considering my ability to mold most energies that makes more sense, but that means that sometime in antiquity my soul sprang up out of the ether?

Not having soul parents would make sense for me, I suppose.

In any event, the idea of Jotun bloodlines lead me down the primrose path of OTHER spirits soul touching the unborn for various reasons (’cause if ONE type of spirit can do it why can’t another?) and I was all…OH, snap. Maybe that is the what is behind some of the upsurge in the numbers of the pagan community at large? People who are soul touched and don’t feel at home in the various monotheistic, established religions, or in their own skins are going out and trying to find themselves.

Essentially, given any amount of truth in this idea of Jotun bloodlines  (which I believe there is) a lot of people are constantly searching for a home they may not find on this plane, place and time. The eternal wanderer imagery is sad, but hopefully in meeting others of the same tendency people can build a home here that they love and feel safe in and allows them to care for and be cared about. Our family is our home, and maybe too that is what the Jotnar were hoping to build for themselves. A home amongst the humans of Midgard.  

Love Notes from Himself

I was at the local coffee shop where I’ve been doing all of my morning writing before work the other day and I found a book on the table I always sit at. (In so many ways I am a predictable creature of habit.) I was going to just turn the book in to the staff-it was small and the cover wasn’t very interesting- but, I got a mental poke to open it, so I did. The poem wasn’t titled (The work was a random published collection from a local author whose name now escapes me, sadly, and I didn’t write it down.), but I’m considering it a love note.

Walk with me my friend.
I will show you what I’ve seen, where I’ve been.
And in another time
we shall be called
true friends
if we walk together again.

I got shivers. I had one of those moments where I can’t really find a coincidence in what happened and have to acknowledge Himself because the words were so personal to our journey.
❤ My Trickster

Energy Alchemy

Warning: This post is going to discuss sex and some sexual things, in case that isn’t your cup of tea you can skip it.

 

I’m not sure why, but there are times when I interact with Himself, or the Divinities in general, that are inherently sexual, or at the very least my sex sites get stimulated with the energy overload, or maybe just the energy in general.

Sometimes when I’m doing my morning devotional practice I jolt into a sexualized state, not necessarily because Himself intends it (thought, I wouldn’t be surprised if He did), but because of the ENERGY. I think it has something to do with how brushing divine energy interacts with the Human Physiology, but I’m not sure. I think it is entirely natural and I don’t worry about it per se, but when I’m at a public ritual it can be a bit overwhelming to be sure. It’s almost like I get too much sensory input from mundania after I’m overwhelmed by communing with Himself. I’ve had it happen when interacting with Angrboda and Jormundgandr as well, but mainly the bulk of my interaction is with Loki.

I’m not going anywhere with this, other than it happens, and I am pondering if it is intentional or not or just one of those things.

Twist

I do not kiss your feet-

you kiss my face

in that hazy in between space

where we join.

 

I am not blind

to your flaws

though they do give me pause

when I answer in Kind.

 

Your face, ever fair,

changes each day.

You’re always willing to play-

To pay-

The price for my time.

Your time.

I’ve learned it’s all Our time.

 

What do you want from me?

“Love,” you say.

What do I want from you?

Everything, nothing, the same.

Without you, who would I be?

“Your shining self,” you say.

We gain together.

Why me? How did you decide?

I was content to hide

My face.

Behind books and masks; lies.

 

“My reasons are mine,

I gave you your sign.

Be content, ever morphing, be kind, be mine.

And dance, joyfully dance, to my pace.

Your enstacy is my ecstasy.

We’re twined.”